Ladies, gentlemen, and penguins, America is facing a crisis of epic proportions. People are bursting into stores, staring at empty shelves. Prices of “food” have increased dramatically, leaving people to pay 10 to 100 times the price for a basic necessity on online markets such as eBay and Amazon. No, the US government has not defaulted due to the fiscal cliff. No, aliens have not invaded Detroit. No, America has not been dragged into World War 3 with Israel and Hamas. Attention everybody…
We’re out of Twinkies.
I wish I was joking when I saw people hoarding Twinkies. But I was at a Target store, the evening of the fateful announcement, and I saw 4 people staring at empty shelves, desperately looking for Twinkies. And this was in a 3 minute timespan, so extrapolating over a several-hour period, hundreds of people must have entered the store looking for Twinkies. The Twinkies, Ho-ho’s and Hostess Cupcakes shelves were totally barren, resembling some sort of post-apocalyptic raid on the supermarket.
Surprisingly, the shelves were full of Hostess Donettes. Apparently, nobody wants them.
Poor, unloved Donettes. Hug a Donette today.
I went to another store, Grocery Outlet, and sadly, also discovered the shelves barren of Twinkies. But, on the top row, there were about 10 boxes of assorted Hostess cupcakes, ho-ho’s and Zingers. I grabbed one of them and decided to look around the store for other items. Zingers aren’t my favorite, but what the heck, I can pass them out as gifts.
However, as I was leaving the section, a older man wearing a football jersey came across the same aisle of baked goods. As the Hostess’ treats were on the top shelf, he started literally climbing the shelves, until his hands reached the top row. I’m surprised the bottom shelf withstood his body weight. There, he scooped up all of the boxes and brought them down for himself. I tried cracking a joke, but he was completely oblivious. He stared counting the boxes, fixated on the prize as if the fate of the free world depended on his ability to accurately count the number of baked treats in his possession.
I looked into his eyes. Remember that Gollum character from Lord of The Rings? Uhhh, yeah.
This is the future of America. The average person doesn’t understand the Electoral College, or the Federal Reserve, or Obamacare, or women. (Full disclosure, I don’t either.) The average person obviously doesn’t understand how bankruptcies work–since Grupo Bimbo will probably just buy out the factories and produce the creamy treats again. The world can slowly disintegrate with rising inflation, unemployment, food prices, and instability–and people will merrily go on their way as if nothing is going on.
But God forbid, we lose our Twinkies.